Author Archives: Matthew K.
The Literary Conspiracy
I take my job as an amateur internet writer very seriously. So when I’ll take any interview that will score me a lot of hits. Even, as was the case yesterday, if most of those hits are self-inflicted kicks in the ass. I was loitering in an upscale hotel near LAX, minding my own business, […]
Why I Shouldn’t Be Banned from the Pet Store: An Open Letter
To the owner of Beachfront Pet Shop: I admit that my presence may have played a slight role in the events that unfolded in your pet shop last Thursday, but I believe that on further reflection you will find that the fault lies primarily with you own staff. And while I personally don’t feel as […]
The Poolboy: A Short Story
Times have been tough lately. Fresh out of college, no jobs for a philosophy major in this economy. So when my cousin Fred in Orange County offered me a job at the pool cleaning service he works for, I couldn’t say no. I’ll be honest, I didn’t know the first thing about taking care of […]
Why Jack Bauer Isn’t Good at His Job
Jack Bauer, the hero of 24, is undoubtedly a badass. He kicks ass, takes names, then kicks ass again. But being a counter-terrorism agent isn’t just about kicking ass, it’s about countering terrorism, and by all accounts, Jack Bauer isn’t very good at it. Allow us to explain (And if you couldn’t already guess SPOILER […]
Why Darth Vader is Really the Hero
Darth Vader is the archetypal villain; even his theme song is enough to denote evil. After all, he kills his own men and destroys innocent planets for fun. Yet, I believe that he’s the hero of the Star Wars series. (I’m only counting the films. I don’t care what the extended universe says happened on […]
What’s the Deal With Feline Food?
You know what the internet needs more of: People talking about cats! Hey, where are you going? Just listen, I promise to be interesting. I want to talk to you as a cat owner, and someone who worked at an upscale supermarket that catered to wealthy housewives. You may be wondering what those two have […]
The Sinister Truth Behind Marmaduke
At first glance Marmaduke could be an innocent, family-friendly character. However, things are not always as they seem. The truth behind Marmaduke is horrifying. Demonic, even. Take a look at this comic strip: That is the face of sheer terror. Not to mention the floating people grabbing the dog’s face while its legs bend at […]
