These were two of the painful sounds that could be heard as Dick Morrison’s fists made contact with the weak metal of the soldiers’ armor.  Fist-shaped imprints were left on the torsos of two of the men; the third man screamed in agony as Dick grabbed that little thing on the guy’s helmet that went down the nose, bent it backward, and jabbed the end into an unshielded eye.

“OH YEEEAAAAH!” Dick shouted triumphantly, sounding kind of like the Kool-Aid Man.  Just as the other two soldiers stumbled over and and offered little tissues they had in their back pockets to their friend to cover his wound, Dick swiftly punched both of them and the neck at the same time; they dropped to the ground instantly.  Dick placed a foot on either of their heads and leapt up on top of them, hands on his hips and perfect hair blowing in the apparently ever-existent wind.  “OH YEEEAAAAH!” he bellowed again for good measure.Just then the door burst open again, however, totally killing Dick’s good mood.  When someone killed Dick’s good mood, he killed them.  Dick bolted at whoever was about to enter the room, not giving them time to apologize or explain anything.  Some heads were going to roll.”Wait, wait!” cried a small voice from the door.

“GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAuhhhhh…?” Dick’s menacing trademark roar faltered and, completely not expecting his nemesis to be so squeaky-sounding,  he fell face first onto the ground; or at least he would if he was a dummy.  Instead he rolled a short way when he hit the floor and sprung to his feet in front of the door with the finesse of one of those bendy gymnasts.There, cowering in the corner of the doorway, was a monkey.  At first Dick was tempted to go into caring mode; his fingers itched to cradle the poor little creature and his lips twitched anxiously, the need to softly whisper a lullaby almost overpowering him.  But then Dick remembered that this monkey talked, which meant it must have at least some knowledge of independence and responsibility, and shit got real again.

“What’re you doin’ hear, ya filthy little rat?” Dick growled angrily, grabbing the monkey by the scruff and bringing it close to his face, just so he could snort hot air menacingly into its eyes and watch it do that little twitchy thing that animals do sometimes.

“Er… actually, sir… I’m a monkey, sir…” the monkey mumbled shakily, holding up one feeble little monkey finger in protest.  Dick’s eyes narrowed.  He had a feeling that statement might make him look considerably dumb to the general populace if more individuals had heard it.  This did not fancy him at all.

“That statement doesn’t particularly fancy me, you monkey,” Dick growled in that same kind of angry growling voice that he had done before.

“O-oh…” whimpered the monkey, looking down at the ground nervously.  It was at this time that Dick realized that he had made a terrible mistake and this was just an ordinary, innocent little monkey after all.  Being able to talk wasn’t really that big of deal, he thought.  It would be a different story if it was, say, wearing pants or something.

“Now, now…” Dick cooed, scooping up the monkey with both of his meaty, powerful hands and rocking it back and forth.  “I’m sowwy I scawed wu…  Awww…”  The monkey looked up at him with big eyes, adorable and baby blue, and smiled warmly.  It nuzzled into the crook of Dick’s arm and looked like it was about to fall asleep.  Look, it doesn’t matter whether an animal can talk or not, Dick thought, they’re still just lil’ cute babies at heart.

But then, and this is some pretty good shit about to happen if you were getting angry at the previous lack of action, without warning the monkey suddenly hissed in a particularly not-adorable-at-all way and leaped at Dick’s face, tearing at his perfectly toned flesh with sharp monkey claws.

“What are you doing?!?!” Dick screamed, yanking at the monkey’s fur as hard as he could and trying to pry the beast off of his personage, but the stuff just kept coming out in little clumps and it apparently didn’t even hurt that much.

“Gnnaaassshaaacchhhhgggnnnaassrrrrggrrrarrrggsschhcnnaaagggrrr,” the monkey replied, digging its sharp teeth into Dick’s left cheek.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Dick screeched in pain.

What will become of Dick in this terrible situation??  What’s up with the sudden appearance of this monkey??  What is its identity???  Will Dick survive this terrible attack?????  Find out the answers to these piercing questions and more in the next installment of

Dick Morrison: Dongmaster!!