“What’re you doin’ hear, ya filthy little rat?” Dick growled angrily, grabbing the monkey by the scruff and bringing it close to his face, just so he could snort hot air menacingly into its eyes and watch it do that little twitchy thing that animals do sometimes.
“Er… actually, sir… I’m a monkey, sir…” the monkey mumbled shakily, holding up one feeble little monkey finger in protest. Dick’s eyes narrowed. He had a feeling that statement might make him look considerably dumb to the general populace if more individuals had heard it. This did not fancy him at all.
“That statement doesn’t particularly fancy me, you monkey,” Dick growled in that same kind of angry growling voice that he had done before.
“O-oh…” whimpered the monkey, looking down at the ground nervously. It was at this time that Dick realized that he had made a terrible mistake and this was just an ordinary, innocent little monkey after all. Being able to talk wasn’t really that big of deal, he thought. It would be a different story if it was, say, wearing pants or something.
“Now, now…” Dick cooed, scooping up the monkey with both of his meaty, powerful hands and rocking it back and forth. “I’m sowwy I scawed wu… Awww…” The monkey looked up at him with big eyes, adorable and baby blue, and smiled warmly. It nuzzled into the crook of Dick’s arm and looked like it was about to fall asleep. Look, it doesn’t matter whether an animal can talk or not, Dick thought, they’re still just lil’ cute babies at heart.
But then, and this is some pretty good shit about to happen if you were getting angry at the previous lack of action, without warning the monkey suddenly hissed in a particularly not-adorable-at-all way and leaped at Dick’s face, tearing at his perfectly toned flesh with sharp monkey claws.
“What are you doing?!?!” Dick screamed, yanking at the monkey’s fur as hard as he could and trying to pry the beast off of his personage, but the stuff just kept coming out in little clumps and it apparently didn’t even hurt that much.
“Gnnaaassshaaacchhhhgggnnnaassrrrrggrrrarrrggsschhcnnaaagggrrr,” the monkey replied, digging its sharp teeth into Dick’s left cheek.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Dick screeched in pain.
What will become of Dick in this terrible situation?? What’s up with the sudden appearance of this monkey?? What is its identity??? Will Dick survive this terrible attack????? Find out the answers to these piercing questions and more in the next installment of
Dick Morrison: Dongmaster!!