Dick Morrison struggled with the chains holding him down, his shining pecs tightening as he yanked against the hook molded into the stone wall. Finally, after two long minutes of struggling, a large chunk of the wall collapsed onto the floor in a pile of dust and Dick karate kicked the rusty chains off of his wrists somehow. Leaping off the floor and running towards the exits on his soft bare feet, his long straw-colored hair whipped elegantly in the wind he was creating merely by the speed of his dash.
Suddenly a young woman in a billowing translucent skirt and a diamond-studded little bikini top-type thing to cover up her boobs appeared in front of Dick out of a poof of smoke. The witch! Dick thought, you must attempt to ignore her, Dick! Don’t let her lure you in!
Dick snorted angrily and headbutted the witch away from his path, sending her flying over to the corner, where she hit the wall with a thud and slid down to the ground, leaving a light trail of blood behind her. But as Dick karate kicked open the iron gate of the dungeon and went flying down the corridor, the witch recovered her strength and leapt back up.
“Titty skittles!!” Dick muttered angrily under his breath in a velvety voice that sounded kind of like that hobo that does voice overs for Kraft Mac n’ Cheese ads now, only coming from a ripped white guy. He pushed on harder, glistening thighs swishing back and forth like a pendulum.
The witch poofed up at the right of Dick, sticking her tongue out in a hot way, then poofed over to the left to dodge the hard crush of Dick’s swinging fist.
“Want some sex to happen, Dick?” the witch hissed poofing onto his bare back, wrapping her legs around his waist, and stroking his perfectly straight hair. Normally someone would fall face first onto the ground if a full-grown woman suddenly appeared on their back, but Dick was strong. He actually barely even noticed it; for a minute he thought there was maybe a mosquito or something on his shoulder blade.
“Come to the dark side, Dick!” the witch continued, whispering suggestively into Dick’s ear. ”There’s some pretty disturbing shit going on, but the sex makes it all worth it!”
Dick wasn’t falling for any of these dumb tricks. He was nearing another tall steel gate with spikes at the top at the end of the corridor, just like the one in the dungeon; in one swift move he lunged at the center of the gate, ripped apart the bars with his brute strength, grabbed the evil witch by the hair, and threw her up to the top of the gate as he dived through the hole he had made.
Doing a forward roll on the ground for good measure before landing squarely in a dramatic and, frankly, pretty badass position, he looked back to see the witch impaled upon the spikes at the top of the gate. Sure enough, another of Dick’s rad plans had worked perfectly again. The witch was no longer hot; when the life was taken from her the fake sexiness she had held close was washed away and now she kind of looked like that one old hag in that Disney movie about the llama emperor except she wasn’t purple.
Then Dick did that kind of arm pump thing like this:
But his victory was short-lived (for the moment); a group of three armored men came bursting through a door in the corner of the room Dick was standing in now, and they didn’t look happy. It was kind of hard to tell though because they had those weird armor helmet things that cover up your nose and stuff and their expressions were a bit disfigured because of that.
Dick was ready, though. Dick was always ready. Standing up and cracking his knuckles as the soldiers charged at him straight on, he roared, ”I am Dick Morrison… DONGMASTER!”
What will happen next?? Will Dick predictably defeat the expendable soldiers easily? Or will something totally uncalled for happen?? WHO KNOWS?? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next installment of
Dick Morrison: Dongmaster!!