Three months ago this author fled the country to avoid taking the rap for a felony traffic ticket. Fearing for the life of the goldfish he left at home, this author returned to The States only to be arrested by the bicycle cop staking out his cardboard box of residence. A plea bargain with the judge requires this author to inform the public of the dangerous criminals of this age, as well as be Mr. February in the Traffic Violators calender. I have been ordered by the great state of California to put the ‘fear’ back in ‘fear mongerer’ and scare kids away from the glamorous life of crime. This is the first of many court ordered reviews of dangerous criminals and possible future stars of the Traffic Violators calender.
Siegfried von Brunhild IV wants to kill you. When he was seven, Siegfried’s dad left his mom for a girl he met at Hooters. Siegfreid’s mother worked two jobs to put food on the table for his brothers Sid and Fred. Siegfried went hungry. On Siegfried’s fourteenth birthday, his brother Fred was killed in a drive-by shooting during an ongoing rap battle by gang leader and Bar Mitzvah boy Dr. Dreidel. The single picture of Fred was taken down by his mother immediately following the killing. By the age of sixteen Siegfreid was associating with drug addicts and foreigners in the soup kitchen he ate at. In other words, Siegfried had the perfect American life. But what makes such a good kid turn so evil?
Siegfried’s trouble with the police began in high school. Getting a full ride to Harvard for his perfect SAT and ACT scores aroused the suspicions of campus police officer Raymond Bronson. “No one this poor can be this smart,” said Mr. Bronson.
This author took the court ordered liberty to investigate further by sitting down with Mr. Bronson in the official police station/cafeteria of the school. Two hours later this author was coaxed out of the girls’ lavatory, following flashbacks of Billy ‘The Kid’ Dinkleburg giving him a wedgie in front of his crush Susie ‘The Slut’ Brownie, and the interview began.
“I was just making my rounds when I overheard this Siegfried kid telling his friend that he got into Harvard. I couldn’t believe it. This kid actually made a friend after four years of being a loser. Something smelled fishy and it wasn’t the cheerleader I had frisked moments before. I drew my sidearm and approached him. After repeating that he had been accepted to Harvard Siegfreid began to cry. I took my gun away from his head.”
The interview ended prematurely after this author fled from Mr. Bronson, who had attempted to demonstrate exactly where the fully loaded handgun was placed at Siegfried’s face.
Police records continue the story after Siegfried was confronted by the overweight adult hall monitor. After students began to watch Bronson’s confrontation with Siegfried, Bronson arrested the boy on the spot. He had a reputation to uphold, after all. Siegfried was booked by the police on the charge of stealing a carton of milk. Witnesses have come forward claiming that the milk was planted by Bronson. These witnesses have since been arrested for slandering the name of the former hot dog eating champion and champion of justice.
During processing at the police station it was discovered that there was an arrest warrant issued for 47 year old Siegfried von Brunhild IV of Kentucky for the groping of display room mannequins. Siegfried von Brunhild IV, it appears, is a very common name. It was too late for young Siegfried, as the officer had already begun the paperwork declaring that the suspected groper had been caught. Siegfried would have to go down for the charge.
Siegfried knew his only chance was to escape and prove his innocence. Like any innocent man he grabbed the officer’s gun and fled the crowded police station. Miraculously, none of the officers cared enough to stop him. Siegfried ran to the only place he could call home. He was at Hooters.
He pulled the gun out and shouted “Excuse me Hooters patrons, I have been falsely accused of mannequin groping and need to prove my innocence. Therefore I am taking you all hostage to force the police to investigate further and see that I am not a criminal. I’m really sorry about this.”
Siegfried was promptly ignored or laughed at by most of the hostages. He was not a very good hostage taker. He put his gun away and decided to go to the only place where he could think clearly, the lavatory.
Siegfried entered the lavatory to see his father and the Hooters girl he left his family for engaged in penis-to-vagina communication. According to the bathroom attendant they were having a lively debate.
This author is intrigued and aroused. Unfortunately further investigation of the Hooters in question is impossible due to a nationwide ban from Hooters following the Great Motorboating incident of 2007. Same with Disneyland.
According to the bathroom attendant, Siegfried drew the gun from his pocket and fired at his father and his debate partner. Being a bad shot, Siegfried missed his target and shot the bathroom attendant Joe in the groin. Joe passed away at the hospital due to an unfortunate accident in which this author mistakenly unplugged the life support to plug in his iPod charger. Joe will be missed.
Distraught over shooting a man in the groin, Siegfried fled the lavatory and found himself surrounded by Dr. Dreidel and his feared gang, the Matzahs of Mayhem. Dr. Dreidel, it seems, was so engrossed with an ongoing rap battle with eighty-year-old Hooters chef Earl ‘Bang Wang’ Smit that he did not notice that he had been taken hostage.
“Say shalom to Fred, mashugana,” were the last words Siegfried heard before the Matzahs of Mayham opened fire with the machine guns they had been conspicuously carrying around all day.
All in all, this author would rate Siegfried two out of ten as a criminal. His death was classy but it felt like he walked into all the other things. His only successful murder is Joe’s death, which this author will be claiming as his fault. Even Siegfried’s hostage taking was bad, most of the people didn’t even know they were hostages. Siegfried started off good with stealing the milk, but it all went downhill from there. Maybe it’s better that he died to prevent further disappointment.
This author is signing off to go try to sneak into Disneyland wearing a gillie suit.